I am stressed, I am very, very very stressed. I think I am going to throw things at the wall and yell if I get any more stressed. I was meant to have finished my composition a week ago, and have handed everybody their parts, and I'm 3/4 done, but not finished, and as I am trying to get a decent grade (like an A) on this, I'm being very painstaking and meticulous and trying to write actual music rather than just notes for college, but I've got to the point where I'm being less careful in favour of just getting it finished, and I'm trying to write this connecting section, a sunrise between the insects of the night, and the insects of the day, and it is NOT working.

I have a chord sequence planned and written out. I have a vauge idea of a melody, but I can't seem to turn that into music at the moment, it just comes out as humdrum and vaguely harmonious noise. it contains nothing. It doesn't even describe what I'm trying to convey in the shallowest terms. It doesn't even sound good. I am useless. I don't want to write glorious music, just something that will get me a good grade, and which I will not be filled with regrets about once it is done.

The thing is, I have 'good' (well, ideas I like) in my head, and I can hear them, and I know what I'm trying to do/ Sometimes my lack of ability to put onto paper what I see and hear in my head really, really frustrates me. I can't actualise my ideas, and that is very, very frustrating. I want the 'insect' parts to drop out and fade down to just the bass and violin lines, then build it back up gradually to the brightness of dawn. Then a bars rest, and then the concluding part, which is all really variations on the main theme, and which I've done most of the work for. I'm probably going to spice up the harmonies a little as they are currently a little too chirpy and twee. I know what I want to do. I'm just not successfully doing it.

Of course, people need their parts. They needed their parts last week. I need my parts, as I'm ending up being multitracked and playing 'cello and recorder in this due to lack of musicians. College have decreed I am doing a real instrument recording of my piece. This is a wonderful idea. If I had six hours a day practice time... I have a job, other things I;m studying, other things I have to practice for (like my recorder exam...), illustrations and art commissions, my job, my chores.... I have, as always, more demands on my time than ability to fill them. it does not help that I was feeling really rotten last week and couldn't do much work.

I really don't know what I'm going to do.

Oh, and more things... My 'cello is in need of repair, and the cost of said repairs is £130. I need to get my 'cello fixed urgently because i am meant to be playing her for the recording of my composition in a couple of weeks. (I've been handing out parts for the first two thirds of the piece, and everybody's practicing those two sections while I work on the last section.). I don't have £130. I have a lot less than that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I read this over on Livejournal:
[link] On the dessication of music